Law School Self Doubt: Our Faculty's Silent Affliction

The subject is never brought up lightly. Often, the conversation will begin about how tired someone’s been feeling that week, followed by an expression of resignation that they didn’t finish all of their readings. And then in a hushed voice: “I don’t know if this program is for me.”

Over the last few weeks I've had conversations with several law students where, in an almost ashamed and secret tone, they have expressed feelings of doubt or inadequacy. I'm not sure if this stems from students reflecting on their grades, but many 1Ls appear to be going through a period of doubt either in their personal ability to succeed at law school or about the profession itself and their careers. These feelings have been expressed across the spectrum of students, from the front-of-the-classroom keeners to those who may only attend a quarter of their scheduled classes.

The most common concerns I’ve heard were from students thoroughly not enjoying their mandatory classes, students weary of the long road ahead before they’ll start their careers, students feeling inadequate when comparing themselves to their peers, and students questioning their academic abilities for not being able to complete the daunting amount of readings assigned per week. For many older students, a lot of doubt in their desire to finish law school stems from the highly structured curriculum where they are forced to take classes that they aren’t passionate about for a first time since high school.

Personally, most of my doubt comes from whether I made the right decision to leave a comfortable well-paying job for the high-stress and constantly preoccupied world of law school. Over the December break I visited friends from my Master’s degree, and it’s been very difficult adjusting to hours spent in the library after being reminded of the low levels of stress, vacation time, sick days, and steady income that I left behind. Often I wish that I could be like normal people and feel satisfied with stability, but I always want to do more. I think this is why I am sticking through with law school, because no matter how much self-doubt creeps in, I am comfortable knowing that my life will certainly be more exciting from this new trajectory compared to my previous life as a civil servant.

Professor Janda observes that the challenge is not so much to overcome self-doubt by substituting it with self-confidence as it is to learn about one’s own strengths and weaknesses as clear-mindedly as possible in order to probe the sources of one’s self-doubts. “I would like to think that my own self-doubts about being a lawyer, which involved in part doubts about whether I would enjoy the practice and whether I was suited to it but also doubts about my own capacity to manage its stresses, reinforced my own desire to become a teacher,” said Professor Janda. “I think I have learned to distance myself from the sources of self-doubt brought about by efforts to attract the favour of others and to pay more attention to how I generate those self-doubts myself. Thus, early on, I was prepared to conclude that in some cases my profs did not always get their assessments of my work right. I therefore became more focussed on trying to explain myself more clearly to my own satisfaction.”

Speaking with 2L and 3L students I’ve learned that these feelings aren’t unique to 1Ls, and may come and go throughout one’s studies. Rather than be paralyzed by one’s doubts, it’s important to learn how to manage and even to embrace these thoughts. Dean Leckey notes that although he didn’t grapple with feelings of doubt or inadequacy while in law school, the need to deal with such feelings came later in his professional life. “I have had a clear sense at key moments of being well out of my comfort zone and at the bottom of a daunting learning curve, needing help to clamber my way up it – including as an inexperienced teacher (my first time teaching Family Law generated masses of complaints about my grading to the academic associate dean and discussion in the Quid Novi for consecutive weeks), as an inexperienced researcher learning the business of placing articles in peer-reviewed journals and securing external research funding, and as an inexperienced academic administrator, when I took up the deanship in 2016,” said Dean Leckey. “In each case, I sought and received help from generous experienced colleagues and friends. I didn’t try to fix everything at once. My big recommendation is not to try to deal with the challenges and the feelings of doubt and inadequacy alone.”

For students whose anxieties stem from their grades, Professor Janda advises that rather than dwell on disappointing grades, “assume that you have the capacity to develop and fulfill all of your own capacities and that grades in the law faculty are only a relatively small aspect of that process. Everyone in this place has remarkably differentiated capacities that can allow each to make a signal contribution.” My emotions have rarely fluctuated on account of a grade, however I understand students questioning their capabilities if they never received a B prior to last semester. It is important to remember that grades are not the sole factor in landing a meaningful job after law school, as Professor Janda explains, “looking back on my former students and what they have become, I am as amazed by the work being done by the Municipal Court judge who did not have top grades, as I am by the NGO activist who was a gold medalist.”

If you recognize any of the feelings in this piece, it’s important to know that you are far from alone. Although it may appear as if many of our classmates were born to wear a suit or wield a gavel, everyone faces a time in their life where they are unsure of their abilities. Rather than feeling ashamed for doubting your decision to study law, reach out to a friend and express these emotions aloud. You’ll be surprised to find how many people experience similar feelings silently. Your intelligence and drive brought you this far and they are far greater markers of your potential than an arbitrary letter on a page.